The Forge & Gred Show
by Coffee Fuel
Summary: In which Fred and George discuss Hermione's questionable and not so questionable choice(s) of fanfictional partner(s). Cracky oneshot. Script format.


Just a silly, wacky thing I wrote between classes at university. You know how Hermione is everyone's go-to heroine and she's basically been paired with every single Harry Potter male character in existence? Well, what if our favourite pair of twins found out?

English is not my first language - do feel free to point out any grammar errors you spot so I can fix them!

 **Disclaimer** : Not Mine.

 **– The Forge & Gred Show –**

(8)

(8) Imagine a very Epic Opening (8)

(8)

The camera slowly zooms in on the two wizards in the studio, who smile and wave at their adoring fans.

GEORGE  
Good evening, ladies!

LEE JORDAN  
...and gentlemen.

FRED  
Is that absolutely necessary?

LEE JORDAN  
(rolls his eyes) Yes.

FRED  
Really?

LEE JORDAN  
Really. Guys, we do not have all day. Please, let's get to it.

FRED  
As you say mate, as you say.

GEORGE  
So welcome people!

FRED  
To the Evening's **―**

F&G  
...Edition of Harry Potter, the Who's Dating Hermione Today, Special!

FRED  
Presented by Yours Truly **―**

GEORGE  
the Amazing **―**

FRED  
Fabulous **―**

GEORGE  
Awe-inspiring **―**

FRED  
Master Tricksters **―**

F&G  
Two and Only Heirs to the Marauders **―**

F&G  
Incredibly-proud-Owners-of-the-Wizarding-World's-Best-Joke-Shop **―**

LEE JORDAN  
I think we get it.

FRED  
(winks and whispers) If you come over, we'll give you a discount.

GEORGE  
Gred **―**

FRED  
And Forge **―**

FRED&GEORGE  
Weasley!

FRED  
Here's where you applaud. Please take your time.

\- APPLAUSE -

\- APPLAUSE -

\- APPLAUSE -

GEORGE  
First of all we would like to thank our lovely and fair audience. We are ever so grateful to you **―**

FRED  
For keeping me alive **―**

GEORGE  
Well, more often than not **―** wait, I guess he wouldn't know.

FRED  
(glares)

GEORGE  
And I would like to especially extend my gratitude to those of you who regularly pair me up with Hermione. She always manages to cheer me up when Things Go Wrong.

FRED  
(glares harder) Hermione's my Savior. My Angel. She's mine. We're destined to be.

GEORGE  
Hermione's a popular girl Forge. You can hardly keep her all to yourself.

FRED  
(sulks)

GEORGE  
Even Ron's aware of her Heart Throb Status. He didn't take it well. Doesn't like sharing.

FRED  
I guess icky Ronniekins is not as dense as I had given him credit for.

GEORGE  
Speaking of our lovely nymph.

FRED  
Miss Granger.

GEORGE  
Or Mrs Weasley. Our Mrs Weasley. And Ron's. And Charlie's. And Bill's. And... I'm not that sure about Percy.

FRED  
Well, she's also been a Malfoy, according to various sources.

GEORGE  
Eww.

FRED  
And a Potter. Should we tell Ginny?

GEORGE  
She's also been a Black apparently. Guess Sirius was in _serious_ need of some company after 12 years in Azkaban. (wiggles eyebrows suggestively)

LEE JORDAN  
(sighs)

FRED  
Uh. (keeps reading) A Lupin? But what about Teddy! I love my T-Bears!

GEORGE  
... A Snape. A SNAPE?

FRED  
(shocked) WHAT?

GEORGE  
You mean someone caught my wife **―**

FRED  
(interrupts) You mean mine **―**

GEORGE  
...consorting with the Greasy Bat of the Dungeons?

FRED  
Forget the caught part, that is _so_ not the problem here.

LEE JORDAN  
Well, Snape's a hero, guys. And girls just _love_ broody characters with ambiguous, tragic pasts. Everyone knows that.

GEORGE  
But STILL.

FRED  
(grimaces)

GEORGE  
I thought Hermione knew better.

FRED  
She loves me, after all.

GEORGE  
And _me!_

FRED  
She did end up with Ronniekins an awful lot of times.

GEORGE  
Do not remind me.

FRED&GEORGE  
 _Sigh_.

FRED  
(resigned) So who else?

GEORGE  
Yes, let me see. It's **―** wait. There must be a mistake.

FRED  
What, Georgie?

GEORGE  
Lee! Lee! Why's You-Know-Who's **―**

FRED  
Do you?

GEORGE  
(glares) That joke is old, Forge.

FRED  
(shrugs)

GEORGE  
…last name in this bloody list?

LEE JORDAN  
All data's been backed up by a copious amount of research and evidence.

\- AWKWARD SILENCE –

\- AWKWARD SILENCE –

\- AWKWARD SILENCE –

GEORGE  
Ahaha. That's a good one, mate. You almost had me fooled. But you're 100 years too early to pull a prank on the Amazing Weasley Twins.

LEE JORDAN  
(serious) Guys, who do you think is in charge of our Research Department?

FRED  
…Good question.

GEORGE  
Who?

LEE JORDAN  
…Do you really need me to spell it out?

FRED  
(pales) …Oh.

GEORGE  
What?

FRED  
Oh. (eyes meaningfully)

GEORGE  
…Oh! (stricken)

LEE JORDAN  
Should I call her here to have her clear things up for you?

GEORGE  
I… uhm… well.

FRED  
You see Lee, I really do not think that's necessary.

GEORGE  
Hardly so **―**

FRED  
We wouldn't want to interrupt her.

GEORGE  
Really.

FRED  
We insist.

GEORGE  
I'm sure she's busy.

FRED  
…With paperwork!

GEORGE  
Groundbreaking discoveries on the Theory of Magic **―**

FRED  
Volatile experiments **―**

GEORGE  
Freeing the house elves!

FRED  
Arguing with the Malfoy spawn **―**

GEORGE  
Saving the world and the like **―**

FRED  
Over and over again.

GEORGE  
One book at a time.

FRED  
You know Hermione.

LEE JORDAN  
(amused) She says she will be here in five minutes.

GEORGE  
Bloody hell!

FRED  
(stares at Lee accusingly)

GEORGE  
(panicky) How do I look, Forge?

FRED  
Great as always, Gred. Though we both know I'm the better looking twin.

GEORGE  
I thought _I_ _was_ the better looking twin!

FRED  
Just ask Hermione when she gets here. She knows everything.

HERMIONE GRANGER  
Well! _She_ 's here! (crosses her arms) So what's this about?

FRED&GEORGE  
(exchange a nervous glance)

GEORGE  
Nothing.

FRED  
Nothing at all.

GEORGE  
It's stupid, really.

FRED  
We wouldn't want to waste your time.

HERMIONE GRANGER  
(unimpressed) Well, it's too late now. Spill.

GEORGE  
Really! It's… just that Lee's made a silly mistake.

FRED  
Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about.

HERMIONE GRANGER  
(suspiciously) What have you done? (turns to her left and stares at Lee accusingly) You told me you could do this! I should've known not to trust you with them!

LEE JORDAN  
(raises his hands in surrender) I did my very best!

HERMIONE GRANGER  
(crosses her arms) Well, your very best is _clearly_ not good enough then, isn't it?

FRED  
Ooooh, she has a mean streak!

GEORGE  
Sounds like she's been spending her free time with Malfoy, mate.

FRED  
(shivers) Or Snape.

GEORGE  
(sickly) Merlin. Quick, Obliviate me. Now.

HERMIONE GRANGER  
(narrows her eyes at them) Excuse me? How do you (notices list and snatches it up) Why is this here?

FRED&GEORGE  
(refuse to answer, but their eyes betray them and dart to LEE JORDAN)

HERMIONE GRANGER  
YOU!

LEE JORDAN  
(fidgeting) Ehrm. Me.

HERMIONE GRANGER  
Didn't I make it clear to you MONTHS AGO that no one's allowed inside my study?

LEE JORDAN  
(mutters) Should have known. I dug my own grave.

FRED  
(slowly) Wait…

GEORGE  
You couldn't possibly mean…

FRED  
That this is true?

GEORGE  
I mean…

FRED  
All of it?

F&G&LEE JORDAN  
(all eyes fix themselves on HERMIONE GRANGER, who sniffles unceremoniously)

HERMIONE GRANGER  
What's it to you?

GEORGE  
But Hermione, love of my life **―**

FRED  
Soul of my soul **―**

HERMIONE GRANGER  
(rolls eyes) Yes?

FRED  
…Why's the Dark Lord's name on that paper?

HERMIONE GRANGER  
(blushes deeply)

FRED&GEORGE  
(their faces both go blank, simultaneously)

FRED  
(tentatively) Hermione?

HERMIONE GRANGER  
(coldly) I need to go back to my research. I can't believe wizards! They see nothing wrong with keeping Dementors in Azkaban. Our justice system is BARBARIC! The psychological torture criminals are subjected to in there is a profoundly unethical practice based on revenge fantasies. The government is supposed to be in charge of _rehabilitating_ those people! Instead, they prance about, happily DESTROYING SOULS-

FRED  
R-right. We'll leave you to it, then.

GEORGE  
Yes…

FRED  
I think it's time for a break, guys.

F&G&LEE JORDAN  
(unanimous agreement)

GEORGE  
Yes…

FRED  
I think I'll go lie down for a while.

LEE JORDAN  
Okay.

GEORGE  
Yes…

\- COMMERCIAL BREAK –

\- COMMERCIAL BREAK-

\- COMMERCIAL BREAK –

THE G&F SHOW HAS BEEN PUT ON HOLD FOR THE TIME BEING. WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCOVENIENCE.

GEORGE  
Yes…

THE END.


End file.
